This isn’t a huge revelation blog post, or a angry blog post, or a depressed blog post. It’s a blog post about a frustration I have with recovery and how it’s view by those around me. It’s a hard post to write because I love my friends and I don’t want to hurt them but there’s something they just don’t get.
When your a year or so into recovery you generally have friends that fit into one of three categories.
Category 1 – The friends who have ignored your mental heath forever. Although these friends can sometimes seem unsupportive they are consistent and actually good people to have around, they see you as they do everyone else and when you want to have a good night out they’re fab. In fact they are great until your feeling low or unwell again.
Category 2 – The friends who are waiting for the relapse, they don’t ever believe you are having a good day and they constantly remind you of how ill you were. These friends can be frustrating to be around when you’re doing well as they seem unable to celebrate success with you but they are the first people you can tell when it’s all going wrong. Because they are waiting for a relapse they are ready to support you and you don’t feel your letting them down. Your just affirming their view that you aren’t doing great.
Category 3 – The friends who think you are recovered, they celebrate your success and they are excited about how many good days you’re having. They are great people to be around when it’s all going well, however when things are hard they seem unable to process that you aren’t okay, they can’t understand bad days and rather than acknowledging the pain they counteract it with ‘but your doing so well.’ It’s not that these friends don’t try to understand but they don’t usually sit in the dark with you till the storm passes.
All of these people are important, I love all of my friends but sometimes I wish there was a fourth category. I struggle to find friends who truly understand recovery or at least my experiences of it. You see just because my behaviours have changed and I’m over 700 days since my last OD or SH my thought processes haven’t totally changed and I still get the urges to make an attempt.
I find it hard to find friends who can strike the balance. Who can say “I know that your feeling like you want to X but I’m proud of you for not doing X.” Or “I know it feels impossible but I’m proud of you for making it possible” It’s hard to find friends who understand what my whole life revolves around living a life of altered behaviour without altered thoughts.
Today I wish I had more friends who understood that recovery is amazing and tough. Who understood that just because my behaviour has changed doesn’t mean I need less support. Who really wanted to know and help me work out my story.
So what would category 4 be? It would be a friend who celebrated the successes while asking how you feel now. A friend who still sent care packages or messages to check how you were. A friend who still prayed with and for you regardless of how close you were to a meltdown. A friend who understood that just because the behaviour had changed doesn’t mean the feelings are less intense. A friend who still loved you fiercely and championed you.
I wish my friends knew that this recovery ring is harder than relapse and something I have to work of every day and although the last 700+ days I’ve won the battle it doesn’t mean that I’ll win every time. At least in relapse there is support there.
So what would you need out of a friend to support your recovery?? What do you wish you could tell the people around you?? Do comment and let me know, maybe together we can change the culture of recovery support.
E x
The Ramblings of a Christian Girl. 